I’ve been trying to avoid this for a while. Almost a year in fact. A year of pretending that everything will be ok, that I’m so in love, and that everything’s a-okay, but it’s time to face facts. I’m not fine, everything’s not going well, in fact I’m pretty sad right now.
The reason? I feel like I just don’t have that mothering instinct when it comes to Max. Zack and I are great – always have been. Even when he’s misbehaving, I can cope with it, and I love snuggling up with him to watch a movie together, or read a book together – I love snuggling up to Zack.
With Max though, it’s a totally different story. I was diagnosed with post-natal depression back at the beginning of this, given meds, and felt like I was feeling better, more like myself. Even now though, almost 10 months later, if I miss even just a couple of days of the meds by accident, I notice a huge difference. I can’t cope with the most simple of situations.
When Max cries, my heart doesn’t feel wrenched out of my chest if I can’t get to him right that second. I just try to ignore him and let J ‘deal with him’. When Max is hungry/needs a change/is tired, I don’t go to him like I should – I get J to ‘deal with him’. When he’s bumped his head, or is coughing so much he’s making himself sick, I wince a bit, and I will scoop him up, but would still prefer J to calm him – he seems to find it easier than me. I just lose my patience, the little I have.
I feel pretty empty when I think about him. He’s cute, and I do LOVE him, I just don’t feel hugely close to him. There are many times when I wish we’d never decided to have a 2nd child – at least then things would be easier. God that sounds so freaking awful doesn’t it?
I’m so jealous of people who are just so in love with their babies… why am I not like that?? Why did things have to be so wierd for me? Why can’t I just be so in love with BOTH my children?
So. That’s it. I feel like I’ve lost out on this past year with Max, and there’s nothing I can do about that.
Being out at work is definitely helping me, but I still just don’t have the mother-child bond with him, and I hate that. How can I get it? I have no idea… but it’s something I really need to work on before I end up missing out on the whole of his babydom, and there’s not too much of that left.