Warning: Diary entry drowning in whine.
I’m late again with my post today. I have nothing much to say. It’s just been one of those days; where I’d give anything to be in someone else’s shoes. Switch places for a day. I’m drowning deeper and deeper into stress and work, I can no longer see where the surface lies. Meanwhile somewhere in my living room, my 2-year old daughter sits playing with her Little People dollhouse, ignored as I plug away on my computer. Every 15 minutes or so, she walks up to me and says, “mommy, wanna come pay wif me?” My heart breaks. Every. Single. Time. Sometimes I can break away for a few minutes, but more often I can’t. There just isn’t enough time.
Here’s our recent daily timeline:
6:30am-7:30am- Toddler wakes hubby and I up with screams.
7:30am-8:00am- Hubby showers while I get toddler breakfast.
8:15am- Hubby leaves for work
8:30am-9:00am- Shower WITH the toddler since no one can watch her.
9:00am-10:30am- Read emails from 4 accounts and reply accordingly. Toddler is playing alone.
10:30am-11:30am- Catch up on blog reading, or continue managing the emails from earlier. Toddler is playing alone.
11:30-12:30pm- Make lunch and eat.
1:00pm- Pray to the nap gods that toddler will fall asleep and stay asleep for at least 2 hours.
1:30pm-3pm- Work on ConnectingMoms (newsletters, interviews, product reviews, content, etc)
2:30pm-3pm – Toddler usually wakes up from nap and must be held for a good 15 minutes while begging to see “daddy.”
3pm-5pm- Work more on ConnectingMoms and job #2. Message online with contacts from job #2. Continue to answer and send emails that come arrive during the day. Toddler is still playing alone.
5:00-6:00pm- Make and eat dinner.
6:00-6:30pm- Clean the heaping pile of dishes in the kitchen to regain access to the sink. Toddler is coloring at the table or reading a book.
6:30pm-8:00pm- Work on job #2 a bit more, answer more emails, reply to some blog comments. Toddler is still playing alone.
8:00-9:00pm- Storytime with toddler. Brush teeth. Bedtime routine.
9:00pm-10:00pm- Wait outside toddler bedroom as she begs to have me sleep next to her (she’s still adjusting to her new room, and not having daddy home at night).
10:00pm-midnight- Run to the computer and finish up with ConnectingMoms, job #2, reading and commenting on blogs, and if time allows, create a new Momisodes post.
10:30pm-11:30pm- Hubby arrives home from work and goes to bed.
Midnight-1:00am- Get myself ready for bed. Shut down the house.
Lie down beside sleeping husband. Fall asleep around 1:30-ish to 2am
Start all over again at 7:00am for the next 7 days.
Nowhere on this timeline, did I actually have any dialogue with an adult, see another adult, and most importantly, my daughter sat alone most of the day without speaking to anyone either.
Being a work-at-home mom isn’t what it’s cracked up to be. At least, not when you’re alone. We cannot afford daycare at the moment, and we’re on 4 waiting lists for preschool.
I think I’m going to have to give up job #2. There just aren’t enough hours in the day. There’s just too much on my plate. There’s a child, marriage and new home being neglected on a daily basis. None of which I can put a price tag. Just reading this timeline myself makes me so ashamed and guilt-ridden I feel like a complete failure on so many levels. I just can’t do this anymore. I’m walking away with my tail between my legs. I cry uncle.