Where I pour out my heart.

Well, J’s officially resigned from his job. It was either that or have them file for ‘retirement through ill-health’ for him, so it’s better this way.

He seems to be coping better, seems more himself – not as gloomy, or at least not all of the time now. He’s had a few half-assed attempted at looking for jobs, even got a couple of job applications, and has applied for one.

Sorry, but you’ve been off for 7 freaking months and in that time you’ve only just managed to apply for ONE FREAKING JOB???

*calms down*

I know, I know. You’re depressed. You’re anxious. Well you know what SO AM I. I was diagnosed before you and had to pull together for all this shit you threw at me, and I have. I have really, REALLY tried. You always say ’something will come up’, and ‘things can only get better’ right? Well that’s what I’ve been telling myself too.

We went to visit someone today…

This is Gizmo. Hopefully he’s going to be our new family member… we just need to get the OK from a ‘home visit’ that the Cat’s Protection do before allowing any cat home with you. Isn’t he just gorgeous!

He was more than happy to be picked up, was playful but gentle and generally just a lil sook! Don’t you just LOVE the fluffy/fuzzy tail!?

I’m not so sure if we’ll keep the name or change it, he’s only 9 months old so it wouldn’t be difficult to get him used to another name. Any suggestions? Something I wouldn’t mind calling out if needed… 😉

To my mum and dad: Please just be happy for me ok? I know you won’t like the idea of us getting a cat, but we do! Love you both very very very much!

Why do I keep leaving my posts till the last minute?!

he past week I have only just remembered to post with half an hour to go until I would technically ‘miss’ a day. So silly as then I end up rushing what I’m writing and don’t remember everything I’ve wanted to say!

We’ve had a lazy day here. Took Zack out in the garden and he and next door’s lil boy wanted to go out the back to the communal garden that we share with all the other flat in our area. What did I see when we went out there? Two bin bags had been ripped open and their contents (including a bin-ful of Max’s nappies, an old TV that had been bashed and broken into pieces, and various other rubbishy things) were all over the pathway between our bedroom window and what would have been next door’s kitchen.

Come to think of it I should have taken before and after pictures, but I was kind of busy keeping the boys away from it all while deciding how I could go about cleaning it up. I ended up getting on old clothes, finding a pair of gardening gloves and pulling two of the wheelie-bins out the back to put all the rubbish into.

Really hope I don’t have to do that again anytime soon, but one of the women who lives up the stairs came down to help me out and swept the paving once I’d finished clearing away the rubbish so even if the two of us can keep at it, hopefully the place will be a bit cleaner and nicer for everyone who lives here.

One of Zack’s new phrases is “Oh FINE then” when I ask him (usually repeatedly) to do something like tidy up his toys, eat his dinner, pretty much anything to be honest. He has gone past the ‘cute’-terrible-two’s and is definitely moving into the obnoxious toddler that I often want to shut in a (padded) cupboard. This is usually when I bring out something that he’s been asking for over and over and OVER again, for him to then say “This is BO-ring…”. I don’t *really* want to ring his neck… honest… it’s just that when he starts shouting mummymummymummymummy repeatedly, in my ear, for no reason other than he wants to annoy me (or so it would seem), well, those of you who have toddlers can imagine I’m sure 😛

Luckily Max has been being pretty totally and utterly cute, including sleeping til past 8am for the past few nights, maybe waking at 4am for half a feed and then back asleep for longer – long may that last!! PLEASE let it last!

Of course he would do this…

… when his father was the one who was supposed to get up with him in the night. That’s right everyone – MAX SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT LAST NIGHT!!!! J was supposed to be doing the night feed and of course… we didn’t get woken up until 7.30am – can I hear a WOOT WOOT!!

Needless to say I am going to insist that he gets up with Max tonight (if needed) since technically last night he had b*gger all to do. Lucky sod.

What’s the bets it won’t last?

Sleep through another night? Not likely… we shall see! I am off to bed for now though cause I’m being a boring arse and can’t be bothered to think up a better post… soorrrry!

*smoochies, kisses and wishes for morning sickness not to be too bad for the huge amount of people who are bloody pregnant when I’m not!*

When you can’t think of what to write…

…just write down all the random crap that comes to your head!

  • When the health visitor came to see us last week she said that Max was having too much of the stage 3 milk he was on… so we thought, since he was always wanting milk, that we’d get him back on the stage 2 stuff (which he’s had before), in the hopes that he’d not taste any different.
  • Ahahahahahahaha.  He’s now been crying for 25 minutes cause he’s hungry, and tired, but wants milk, but NOT the only milk in the house we have to give him – the stage 2 stuff.  To top it off, J has gone for a drink with a friend, so luck me – I get to deal with this all on my own… yay!
  • Also, next door’s 3.5yr old keeps knockin on the door to ask for Zack to come and play – how cute! Except he keeps asking this when it’s almost time for Zack to be getting ready for bed… if only he’d come round a lil earlier to ask!
  • I keep drooling over macro lenses… not that I can get one anytime soon, but still… *drools.
  • I’ve been playing wow a lot in the evenings.  If J’s gonna play it then why shouldn’t I eh?!
  • It’s been pretty wet and miserable here for the past few days – a right pain in the butt when I want to get Zack out more to use up some energy! Oh well, ‘good for the garden’ and all that…
  • Speaking of which – oh my word our grass *really* needs to be cut – I think I’d lose Max in there if he could crawl!! Unfortunately we managed to mow through the cable for the lawnmower last year.  Tried re-wiring it to find that it actually cut through the end closest to the mower, leaving no cord left… so that’s something we need to go buy before actually attempting to cut the grass.
  • Max is still crying for milk, although he will just cry cause it’s not the milk he usually has, so I’m just having to leave him to whinge. Hate doing that… maybe I’ll put on some music to drown it out? No? Oh… I’ve got to be able to hear him.. right. Damn.
  • I’ve not been loading up Twhirl the past few days – I missed twitter though so I’ll try to remember to put it on again!
  • Ok I suppose I really should try to get him to sleep huh? *goes to see if he’s hungry again*
  • *back!* So he turned up his nose to the milk… don’t actually think he’s that hungry, he had a full bottle only 2 hours ago. Grumpy wee soul is wide awake though – grr!
  • And did I mention that Zack needs put back in bed at least 4 times an evening before he’ll go to sleep? That’s LOTS of fun, let me tell you! (Please note the sarcasm).
  • Really am going now…
  • NOW!
  • Oh, right… you’re talking to me…
  • *waves* buh bye everyone!

I didn’t forget to blog today… honest *whistles*

Ok maybe a little… it may be after midnight, but I’m still awake, so technically that means I can publish this post just a little early so I *technically* haven’t missed a day 😉

J went back to the doc’s this morning and has been signed off for another 4 weeks. I mentioned when he got back that we should probably try to work out some sort of routine if he’s gonna be at home for that much longer – his response? “I’ll sort something out.” I don’t really know what he meant by that, but never mind… he’s been pretty good today, other than his new pc having some teething problems there’s not been anything to shout about, thank god!

I have been feeling more down the past few days though. I guess I’d pinned my hopes on everything going back to normal and it’s looking like that won’t be happening for quite some time. I have to remind myself that I’m on anti-depressants for a reason (yes I have been remembering to take them), and not to take on too much myself. I need someone to chat to and at the moment I don’t really feel like I can do that with J just incase I upset him. We barely seem to chat as it is unless there’s someone else with us, which is definitely odd since we’ve been spending MORE time with each other in the past few months than, well, probably than ever before!

Anyhoo, that’s an update for us today. Mum got out of hospital yesterday and is still a bit sore but managing, and much happier in her own bed at night!

Till tomorrow everyone!

So I made another blog…

… and it’s set to private for now. I need somewhere I can completely be myself – including rants about family, so I’ve got it set to private and it’s only for a few friends to read. If you want to be ‘invited’ to be able read it then let me know in the comments of this post and I’ll let you know.

I hope you understand why – I just need somewhere that I can let off steam, without having to worry about anyone getting hurt by it. I need somewhere I can rant and bitch uncensored that I can just brain-dump to, and I don’t really feel like I can do that here tbh. Too many “Real Life” people who I know read it now and thus I have to be careful of what I say.

Anyhoo… like I said, let me know if you want to read my rants and I’ll give you the address and figure out how to ‘invite’ you to read it (it’s on Blogger as invite-only).

Trying to get back in the swing of things

So yeah, you can imagine how I’m feeling right now. J was back at work for ‘rehab’, as they call it. Trying to get back in the swing of things. They’ve been *really* good about his sick leave, and about him coming back – softly softly. Half days for the first couple of weeks, pushing forward the time he leaves, but still he’s coming home seemingly stressed out, anxious and with a tension headache.

When I hear the call of him coming home early, I can literally FEEL my heart sink. How will he be when he gets home? Does he want to go to bed? Will Zack’s constant cries for attention make him feel even more agitated? Will he go out? Or will he sit in front of the PC and try to shut everything out?

Luckily this time it hasn’t happened. He seemed relatively relaxed with the boys, and just relieved to be home for the weekend. I just hope he feels well enough to try going in again on Monday, either that or it’ll be back to the doctor’s again. I have a feeling I may have to go out in the big wide world to find a job if this keeps up. Something I really didn’t want to do until the boys were at school, but needs must and all that. We shall see how J’s last two weeks of ‘rehab’ go first.

Soooo tired…

You’d think that when I have a full night’s sleep (i.e. 6hrs UN-interrupted) that I’d be more awake wouldn’t you? Well apparently my body has decided that if I do that I’ll be even more shattered the next day than if I’d stayed up later and had only 4-5 hours of broken (i.e. Max… grr!). Then I feel (almost) fine and dandy. Still tired, but not completely shattered. Or at least not until later on in the day.

Did I mention we live on the same street as a football stadium? Well, we do, and tonight was one of the ‘big’ matches in the Scottish football world, so we’ve had constant football chants since about 7pm and it’s only stopped now (at around 11pm). At least it’s not like this all the time! I’m just amazed Zack and Max managed to sleep through it all!

Went to see Mum today in the hospital and she was looking really well. Able to walk about some and wasn’t in horrendous pain anymore, thank goodness! I was able to stay for almost 2 hours, just sitting and chatting. It’s not often we get to do that without some interruptions, be them adult or child (lol sorry J and Dad!), so we both really enjoyed that time, just the two of us 🙂

Anyhoo, time to go wash the baby bottles and head to bed – so tired.

Anyone want to take a toddler and a 7 month old for a couple of weeks for me to get a break?

No? Ok, just checking.

Are you sure now? Last offer!

(Who am I kidding… I’ll offer again!)

(Many, many times)

Blah

That is how I feel today. Mum’s operation was this morning and went well, she’s very sore but recovering and the surgeon said everything went to plan, so send her some get well vibes will ya?

Zack and Max were both pretty well behaved, and we managed to go into town where I picked up Mother Goose’s Nursery Rhymes book for the Zackman. I have an old copy titled exactly the same, only it’s way too old and decrepit from my toddler usage to let Zack read it, so now he has his own 🙂

Z has been happy in his new bed for a good couple of weeks now and has only fallen out once. I’ve taken to reading with him snuggled up on his bed before he goes to sleep, it’s sooo nice to finally be able to do that! Wasn’t exactly possible with the cot… damn those sides!

Certain people on the internetz have been making me very broody, not to mention the newest arrival up the stairs, a gorgeous lil girl named Paige who is not yet a week old! I know realistically that I physically couldn’t cope with having another pregnancy at the moment. The pain I go through with the SPD is unbearable, and it gets worse with each pregnancy, meaning that *if* there’s a next time I’m likely to be stuck in a wheelchair for the last couple of months, if not total bed-rest 🙁 Needless to say that’s not even feasible with Zack and Max being the ages they are.

So the biological clock will just have to keep ticking for now. Maybe we’ll have some more when Max is old enough to be at school, but then I’ll be getting MY freedom back, so maybe we won’t. Either way we’re really lucky to have the two we do already, so I’m just going to try to enjoy them while they still love the huggles and tisses, cause it won’t last forever will it?